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Dr. Hartz’s Casebook

As resident agony uncle, sex therapist and general advice guru here at Kool Magazine, I would like to tell you about some of the lives that cross along my worldly path. If any of these stories relate to or help any unsuspecting souls out there, well good for you! Now, down to business.

Dear Dr Hartz
I've recently been house hunting and found a beautiful flat that's part of a house-sharing scheme. It's exactly what I've been looking for and can't wait to move in. Unfortunately, I mentioned this to a girl I work with and she asked me what number the house was. I told her it was 25 and asked why?
She said that she lives next door and apparently, one of the other tenants in the house regularly masturbates at the window!
This has disturbed me and I'm losing sleep over it. My dilemma is, I've paid a deposit to live in his deposits. Should I stay or should I go?
PS I'm supposed to move in next week.
ANON

So, let me get this straight. I now have to help you deal with an exhibitionist chronic masturbater? Ok here goes. First of all, would you fancy earning yourself a few bob? We know the house number is 25, but you forgot to name the street! We could buy a bus and start a sexual tour. We could have the chronic masturbater at number 25, the next door neighbour's wife swapping sessions at numbers 31 and 32, and the amazing human/animal trick-shots at the farm down the road!

Now, you asked me whether you should stay or go. Let's go through the pros and cons.
PROS:
You said yourself that it is a beautiful flat.
You have already paid your deposit.

CONS:
Everytime you walk home from work or from the pub, you have to deal with Mr. Masturbater, shoving his hobby in your face.
You will always be known as the housemate of the window wanker!

This is what you do. You move into this beautiful flat. Maybe the guy has see through curtains and actually thinks that he cannot be seen. Suggest to him that you can see his posters through the window and he should think about getting thicker curtains. Move in, be polite and when you meet him for the first time, pray he is left-handed! "Nice to meet you!"

2. Dear Dr Hartz
I've been a reader of KOOL since issue 3. Your agony uncle feature really works well and I want to see what you look like without the mask.
Lucy B.

Hello Lucy. Thank you for those kind words. It is nice to see that my work is not going entirely unnoticed. You want to know what I look like? Let me tell you why I prefer to remain a man of mystery.

I like to give an honest opinion on how to solve my readers problems. I like to air my views on current affairs and anyone that happens to annoy me. I want my readers to be totally unitimidated when they write to me about their problems and I think by me living the life of anonymity all these factors are "taken care of".

Well, time to solve your problem, you want to see the man behind the mask. Perhaps I could offer Kool readers the chance to see the real Dr. Hartz. Over the next coming issues one Kool reader will win the chance of a 5 star night out with Dr. Hartz. Until then, Kool are offering a signed photo of Dr. Hartz to 10 lucky readers per issue (I would prefer to preserve my blushes, but sometimes there is no point in arguing with the Ed.). All entrees will be kept for the big star prize. To win a signed photo send in a picture of yourself on a night out and tell us why you would be an fun asset on your night out with Dr. Hartz.